In the 1970 movie, “Love Story,” actor Ryan O’Neill plays a Harvard pre-law student who tells his smarter, yet tragically dying lover, Ali MacGraw, that he is sorry. She looks him in the eyes and says, “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.”

It is a moving scene, but in the real world – not Hollywood’s alternative universe – if we have hurt or wronged someone, love means always saying you’re sorry.

But let’s face it; many times it’s really hard to say we are sorry. No one enjoys admitting they were wrong. And why is that? I can think of a few reasons:

1) We may fail to fully understand exactly what we’ve done wrong, either because of ignorance (we genuinely were unaware of harming/offending anyone), incomprehension (we don’t see the point of view of the other party) or an inability to listen to the grievance against us (the complaint goes in one ear and out the other).

2) We may fail to respect the opinion of others because of our strong prejudices, or because our ideology, background or worldview is different.

3) We may be too proud to admit our faults. 

I believe this last one – pride – is the number one reason why people fail or refuse to say “I’m sorry.” Pride is a hard pill to swallow, which is why some people avoid apologizing like the plague. Sadly, a stubborn heart can be a relationship killer.

There has been more than one occasion when the person who owed me an apology chose to make excuses rather than admit the offense. Excuses are a dodge from taking responsibility and owning the offense. As Benjamin Franklin wisely observed, “Never ruin an apology with an excuse.”

Now, there are some who will say, “I’m sorry,” but they aren’t truly sorry for what they said or did. They are sorry they got caught. Or they’re sorry you don’t agree with them. Or they’re sorry you feel that way. That kind of apology is worthless, because apologies mean nothing if you don’t mean it.

As Randy Pausch notes, “A good apology is like an antibiotic; a bad apology is like rubbing salt in the wound.” Hollow, insincere apologies do more harm than good.

I realize that just saying “I’m sorry” won’t undo the genuine pain or loss someone experiences. As Kevin Hancock said, “Apologies aren’t meant to change the past; they are meant to change the future.” 

Apologies are meant to create new beginnings. This is especially true in marriage and family relations. An argument usually ends when someone has the courage to recognize and own the offense and genuinely say, “I’m sorry; please forgive me.” As Joyce Meyer observed, “The best way to have the last word is to apologize.”

One last thing: if we sincerely apologize, and the offended person refuses to forgive, that’s their burden, not ours. We’ve taken responsibility and can move forward. We don’t require their forgiveness to be free.

It takes a big person to admit wrong and make things right. Besides, saying “I’m sorry” is always the loving thing to do.

“Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.” – Jesus

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This article appears in the April 2024 edition of STROLL The Canyons at Scenic Loop magazine.